I have the worst luck with men

Dear Pastor,

When I was 19, I started a relationship with a 45-year-old-man who promised he would send me back to school.

He had two children and I became their stepmother even though their biological mother lived nearby. As time went on, he became disrespectful to me; that was followed by abuse and threats. Relatives and church members encouraged me to leave the relationship, but I stayed and withdrew myself from them. I was not working and I became depressed and embarrassed at my decision to stay with this man. He used to beat me, but as time went by, he promised that the beatings and threats would stop. I believed him so I stayed.

After five years, we had an argument and he called me by a dirty name. I took up my belongings and went to my mother's house. She told me that if I returned to him, she would not take me in again. Three months after I left his house, I got a job. I started attending church more often. He saw me and we started to talk again. I started to visit him at his workplace. He told me that things were going to change. I believed him, so we started a new relationship. One day while I was coming from work, I asked myself "Did you really come back to this place?" His accusations and threats continued. Eventually I had to leave the job and all the little money I had saved was used for groceries.

I told him I wanted to get married. We set a date for marriage counselling, but he did not attend. But the following year, we got married. One week after our wedding, we had an argument that turned physical. I called the police and when they came, he asked for the ring he gave me. I gave it back to him and left. I went to live with my aunt in another parish. Five months later, I got a job so I moved out of my aunt's house. I got pregnant in 2023 by another man. In 2024, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl via C-section. I resigned my job to take care of my daughter.

My child's father moved in with me; he became responsible for all my bills and he takes care of us. He doesn't pay much attention to his other child. He tries to make me happy, but there are some things I can't forgive him for. We had a big fight that led to threats, so I made a report to the police. I can't go back to my mother's house and I don't have friends. I am feeling stressed again. I want my own independence. Where do I go from here?

K.B.

Dear K.B.,

You mean well. You are ambitious, but you need to put a higher value on yourself.

You would make a good wife to an intelligent man. But right now you need to give men a break. You need to learn to live without a man for a while because they have taken disadvantage of you. They have come to realise that you have a very sharp tongue. You say things that you should not say to a man and these things have led to fights. But that does not mean that you are a bad girl.

For example, you should never have agreed to marry that man with whom you lived. He was not the man for you. Imagine, he had the guts to take back the ring that he gave you when you all got married. That is worthless behaviour. When you left him and went to your mother's house, he manipulated you and got you to return to him. Please don't forget that a leopard never changes its spot.

My prayers are with you. I hope that you will find yourself another job. Continue to go to church and make Bible reading a daily activity. Get to know the people at the church because you need folks who will stand by you and call on them whenever you are in need. Please send us your telephone number and we will try our best to give you some assistance.

Pastor